Paulo Coelho wrote a novel, Veronika Decides to Die, which was later adapted into film. As the title suggests, it is about a girl who decides to commit suicide. My story is not like hers. I only bring it up, because as I sat down to write my blog, the book came to mind. Today’s blog is not about food or meat or animals, as my others. Today’s blog is about death.
I’ve struggled with depression off and on throughout my almost-40 years here on Earth. I’ve had countless psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors, medications, therapy sessions, and self-help books. I’ve also struggled with chronic insomnia, as well. Most of my doctors have believed the 2 go hand in hand: that my insomnia is due to my depression….continuing to pop me full of antidepressants that numb my mood, yet still not helping me sleep. The older I’ve gotten the more anxiety I’ve found myself having, as well. I’ve always had anxiety, but I have found myself with a bit of social anxiety in certain situation that never used to bother me. I’ve tried Western Medicine, Eastern Medicine, WebMD, and Google 😉 with supplements, lifestyle changes, diet changes, exercise, medications, meditation, blah blah blah.
Recently, I’ve actually been feeling pretty good. Life hasn’t been fantastic, but nothing major has been wrong. I’ve got financial struggles and job stress (but who doesn’t?), but, overall, I’ve been fairly happy.
Until I wasn’t. I haven’t been sleeping (more than normal). I’m averaging about 4hr per night (from about 10hrs in bed)- not 4hrs at once…..4hrs broken up, spread out, over those 10 hours. My old “normal” was 4hrs all at once, then toss and turn the rest of the night. That was pretty good. I could function with that. I cannot function with the 4hrs broken up. (yes, I’ve done sleep studies and been to sleep specialists too-Please don’t reply with helpful comments about how to sleep. Trust me, I’ve tried them- this has been going on for 20yrs. I appreciate your willingness to assist, but….I guarantee….been there, done that).
I’m miserable. I’m tired. I’m irritable. I’m exhausted. I’m fed up. And this morning, I decided I was ready to die. I’ve never decided that before. Through all the years of ups and downs, I’ve never actually sat down and planned my own death. This morning, however, I lied in bed, contemplating the best way to die. The best way to not only take myself out, but take my pets with me. Selfish? Yes. I have family that loves me. At that moment, however, I felt as I could no longer go on. They would not need to take care of me. And by taking my pets with me, they would not be a burden to anyone, either. My cat is old, with cancer. He’s cranky. I knew none of my relatives could take him (for various reasons) and I did not want to see him end up in a shelter- 15yrs old with Cancer- and alone, scared, confused without me. I’ve had him since he was 4 weeks old. Then there’s the dogs. They are litter mates and are 6yrs old now. I cannot fathom the idea of them being separated, but who would adopt them together? “No,” I decided, “I’ll take them with me.” I didn’t want any of them alone or scared or confused. How? Well, I’d rather not put that in writing, as I don’t want any influential teen to stumble upon my blog and get any ideas. But as I lied in bed, planning our death, crying, and hugging my pets…..I decided to check my email (???). And there was an email from my mom. She said nothing profound, nothing interesting. She was simply replying to an email I had sent the night before about a blanket.
But then I crawled out of bed, got in the shower, and carried on with my day. Did my day get better? Nope. In fact, someone stole my debit card number and emptied my bank account this afternoon (yippieeee!). I was unable to purchase my groceries, because I couldn’t use my debit card and, guess what? It’s a holiday weekend and the banks are closed until Tuesday! The card has been turned off and a fraud alert issued, however. And I’m now on the couch with Law & Order SVU, listening to my cat purr, and my dogs snore.
Today, I decided to die. But I didn’t.
Find peace in all you do.